First loves are never really over,
It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth your while.
I am a sucker for quotes because they have helped me realise so many things, through all the roadblocks I’ve encountered thus far in life. They’ve also served as free life lessons taught by those who have existed before me, and somewhat helping me rationalise my thoughts and deterring me from making bad decisions.
I found the quote above on Pinterest after I sat down after arriving home from a hearty brunch with my family, and this post is where I’ll leave traces of my thoughts and interpretation.
I won’t ramble on about how crappy I feel about the break up with my first love because I’m trying to refrain from completely relapsing into delving into the nothingness that our friendship/relationship has become. I want to focus on the positive aspects of it, because I know that there will be nothing like it again in my life.
Love is a subjective feeling. Everybody has their own way of expressing it and it takes a period of time for a couple to fine tune the way they express love to each other. You will run into various obstacles as a couple, or it could just be smooth sailing for the rest of your lives together.
For me, the first time I was consciously aware that I was in love was when I realised that I was more than excited to execute all our plans for the future together. I knew I wanted to get married to him, I knew I wanted to travel to different places and see the world with him, I knew I wanted to raise a family with him, and I knew I wanted to grow old with him.
We both weren’t ready for any drastic commitment due to financial constraints, we were both still at uni with a year or two still on the agenda, our parents still hadn’t met each other. We weren’t ready in all those aspects (plus many more), but I was ready to commit to him for the rest of my life.
So why are first loves never really over?
The feeling of being in love stays with you. Imagine it like running in a marathon as a couple, and all you needed to do was work on the last leg of the race, approaching a finish line… And then, like in most events in life, shit happens. You get left behind or someone else whizzes past the finish line first or you twist your ankle. Whatever. Anything could happen.
The point I am trying to make here, is that the memories you’ve made together will always be a part of you no matter how much you try to suppress it. There will always be something everyday which may potentially remind you of your time together. This will be more likely if you saw each other often, in a long-term relationship.
This one is self explanatory. You’re not perfect, I’m not perfect. Nobody is. We all make mistakes because we’re only human. I don’t completely understand why this part of the quote applies to me, but I’m guessing it’s just some sort of attempt to elucidate the imperfections of people, which we cannot avoid.
I didn’t think my first love was perfect. Despite my readiness to live my one chance at life with him. If we were to still talk, I’d probably just ask him to do that Myer-Briggs personality test so I could further understand why he wasn’t compatible with an INFJ. After all, there’s no harm in being aware of your own personality and all the aspects that shape, or have shaped it.
Having said that, don’t mistaken the previous paragraph as one with regret or remorse for the death of my first ‘real’ relationship. I’ve accepted that it’s all in the past now, and no matter how much of a dick he was towards the end of our relationship, he’s someone else’s problem now.
I wasn’t perfect either. The more he pushed me away, the more I felt inclined to try and pull him closer. I also probably didn’t suck up to his sister enough, and his current girl (or whatever it is now, i don’t know) is proving to be doing a pretty good job. After all… he did somewhat idolise his sister, which I completely respected until it started affecting our relationship.
I still, to this day, don’t understand what else I did wrong. But oh well. Shit just fucking happens!
It doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while
I’ve never regretted loving him. I don’t regret all the memories we had made together, or all the things I’ve learnt in the time that we were together.
Love isn’t always fair, even though we all wish it to be like in fairytales and blah blah blah. I’ve just learnt to take the bad and turn it into a lesson.
It takes every fiber of my body to refrain from bitterness and remorse when it comes to how it ended, and all the circumstances that we ended with. I’d rather not remember the hurt and the confusion. But… not to sound cliché or anything, but everything happens for a reason.
I now consider myself quite lucky. My current relationship is progressing along quite smoothly… We have a no-bullshit policy because we both don’t want to waste each others’ time – making honesty one of the greatest adhesives for our relationship. We’ve talked about how I feel about love and how I feel about my ex and he understands because he’s been through the same thing. So yeah… I am “like good” right now, and it reminds me that my first love was ‘worth my while’ because of all the lessons we learnt together as an ex-couple!
Over and out,