2013 in Retrospect is the series that I started a few days ago in order to put my year into perspective. As mentioned in previous parts of this series, 2013 has been a challenging year for me with most of it being attributable to the nasty break up at the end of 2013.
I only discovered the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) this year, and boy was I delighted to know that there were many more people out there who shared the same personality type as me. I remember talking to C about it while he was still in Hong Kong, and how I found it intriguing that social-scientists basically summed up who I am in four letters – INFJ. I got so caught up in the whole thing that I started picking out the traits of an INFJ in my everyday dealings. This annoyed me a bit, and then C reminded me that it’s never a bad thing to explore the depths of your own mind… you know, get to know yourself a bit better and all that jazz.
It was extremely interesting to finally know why I said/did those things all those years. Whenever I was asked how I was feeling, my answer would always be ‘I don’t know‘. But the fact of the matter is, I did know – I just didn’t know how to put it into words. On a particular page I stumbled upon whilst researching my type was a list of our strengths and weaknesses regarding relationships. Now I know I can’t just say I tick all the boxes in the list of strengths, but I can assure you that I still struggle with the weaknesses in that list.
I have the tendency to hold back part of myself in a relationship because I find it hard to trust people since D. Having given your all into a relationship just to have it thrown back in your face kind of sucked, and this is probably the reason why I consciously withhold part of myself from people these days. I’m sure I do it subconsciously too, but that’s all got to do with the intuitive part of me – you know.. instincts, gut feelings etc. I vowed to try and trust them because if I did back then, I would have saved myself a shitload of tears and emotional pain.
I also have the tendency to overthink, which used to lead to the manifestation of a network of complicated thoughts in my mind. Luckily, now C and I have each other to remind to stop thinking so much when shit hits the fan as he tends to overanalyse situations too (haha).
I like to describe myself as a unicorn… because I feel like nobody will ever understand me… I mean, shit. I don’t even understand myself! Haha, I bottle up my emotions because I don’t quite know how to verbalise it to other people, which is why I decided to start blogging a couple of years ago. Please don’t go and try to find it, it would be highly embarrassing for me.
Life has thrown me so many curve balls this year, and I’m just glad that I’ve been able to overcome all the craziness that would have been had I not been with friends. I’ve learnt of the crazy things people will do to try and grab just a smidgen of attention, and how it’s always best to leave those people to their own delusional minds.
I’ve also realised who my true friends are, and how some people will use just about any excuse to prevent carrying on a friendship. I have Chang and Janet to thank, for taking me to Lunar Park and getting drunk on stolen vodka and baileys (lol) after the break up. And they have stuck with me since then. I have Hilda to thank for being there for me always when I need someone with a mature mind to help me sort out my own troubles. She also takes me places to eat yummy food. Haha now that I think about it… all my friendships are sustained over good food, and the occasional bottle of soju.
I’m so thankful for finally finding someone to love, and who loves me back without hesitation. Even when I’m stubborn or annoying, or every time I try to walk out the door… his tolerance still astounds me. I just know that this is what a grown up relationship is meant to be like. And I just hope to be able to give him just as much as he gives me.
I can’t find the right point to end this post because there is just so much about myself that even I can’t explain. So I guess I’ll just leave you with a quote about that sums up the philosophy of love for me as an INFJ.
“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” – Rollo May