It’s one of those days… you know, ones when you just can’t be assed to do anything at all? I guess at least I’ve cleaned my room, but I have at least half a dozen more things that are on the list. Most people think that once you’re on Summer break from university, you have all the time in the world to just laze around and do nothing. Wrong!
This is perfect beach weather, but instead I’m just sitting at home – not knowing how I feel. I never know how I feel and it annoys me to no end. People have advised me to just ’embrace’ it or to stop suppressing it, but the thing is… I just feel. Having no control over my feelings sucks because I feel that I let everything/everyone around me dictate my life for me, and I just don’t know what I want. I don’t just want to be a stray leaf floating downstream just because it’s taking me somewhere. I want to have control, but I just don’t know where to start.
I’ve tried to search for ways to harness my emotions and transform them into something bigger and better. But I knew deep down that no search engine will be able to show me some miracle procedure or online seminar that will change my life. This is a lesson to be learnt exclusively through experience, and most definitely isn’t a textbook lesson.
I’m told it’s a gift to be able to reach the extremities of the ups and downs of life. But I can’t see it yet… I see it as a ‘curse’ because I just care too much. I blame my overanalytical brain that likes to pick out every single thing that happens. I’m just too preoccupied with making other people happy, attempts to satiate each and every one of their expectations.
You see, from my POV… if I didn’t care then I wouldn’t feel so confused everyday. I want to have a one-track mind towards ‘success’ in the future (whatever that may be), but truth is, it’s just not in me to focus on one thing. My curiosity drives me further into a hunger for knowledge and understanding of people and things. Feelings just suck.